LOVELAND, OHIO - THE ACTION APOLOGY by Bill Croskey
What is the worst thing you’ve ever done? No, please don’t e-mail me and tell me. Surely each has done things - dare I say sinned? - In ways that we would rather not have anyone know about. The February Character Quality of the Month is Forgiveness. I have taken all month to think about sinning, and how we go about forgiving each other.
I am interested in two traditions, which are no longer observed much. One is the concept of a scapegoat. We know the word as a psychological process; to blame an innocent bystander or a whole group for the acts of someone else or for events that no one could control. It turns out that in early Judaism, there were actual goats used as scapegoats. Two male goats were brought to a sacrifice. One goat was offered as a burnt offering. The second goat was the scapegoat. The high priest placed his hands on the head of the goat and confessed the sins of the people of Israel. The goat was then led away into the wilderness, bearing the sins of the people with it, to be claimed by the fallen angel Azazel. (Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scapegoat)
The second concept is known as the sin-eater. It occurred in the British Isles up until at least the 1800’s and reportedly appeared in another version in the Appalachian Mountain regions of this country. The relatives and acquaintances in the town treated the sin-eater as an outcast. The sin-eater lived by himself. But, at the death of a loved one, the sin-eater would be called upon. Here is a description of the process: "The corpse being taken out of the house, and laid on a bier, a loaf of bread was given to the sin-eater over the corpse, also a maga-bowl of maple, full of beer. These consumed, a fee of sixpence was given him for the consideration of his taking upon himself the sins of the deceased, who, thus freed, would not walk after death." (Source: http://www.sacred-texts.com/etc/fcod/fcod07.htm)
Two instances of sins, or crimes, or mistakes being taken on by another living being, leaving the sinner cleansed and free of blame. Such powerful traditions suggest that human beings have been aware of their sins and the need for forgiveness for centuries. Interestingly, in both scenarios, there are no processes mentioned for "paying" for our sins." Yes, sacrifices and payments are made. But, there is no restoration made, no righting of the wrong, no fixing the problem.
How do we make things right? I learned a concept from my daughter, Lauren - called the Action Apology. Her school trained the staff and students in a process called the Responsive Classroom. It involves morning meetings, as well as a common vocabulary for getting along better with people. The Action Apology works like this: If you do something that causes another hurt, or difficulty, or even extra work, you must try to fix it. It is helpful to say, "I’m sorry." But in addition to the words, the wrongdoer must do whatever is possible to make amends. An Action Apology does not involve asking for forgiveness and waiting around until it is bestowed. Rather, one must go out and do what is necessary to make it right. Presumably, it makes me feel more at peace to have tried to fix things than to have passively waited to be excused.
I think there is another benefit to all this. I have found myself working with a fair number of perfectionist children at Loveland. In essence, they are angry with themselves for not being perfect. Yep, they can tell themselves that no one is perfect. But, deep inside, I believe that they assume that the last part of that rule is: Nobody’s perfect - but I expect myself to be perfect, or be miserable trying.
Insert the concept of an Action Apology right there. Now, the sinner must try to make amends. Do what he or she can to fix things. Then - and here is the hard part - LET GO. If you are convinced you have done everything you can to fix things, then let go and forgive yourself. I am convinced that self-forgiveness comes before the forgiveness of others. If that never comes, we can have the peace of knowing we did what we could. Until we are forgiven by ourselves, we cannot accept the forgiveness of others. So self-forgiveness HAS to precede the other kind.
As with the scapegoat and the sin-eater, this process is not a bargain. We do not BUY our forgiveness. We do not EARN it. We do what we can, forgive ourselves, and hope. No guarantees. No quid pro quo. No deals. I believe that is as it should be.
OK. I’m done. Sorry if I preached. Forgive me?
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